About Christmas 2011 in October 2017, Carole

Last night I was talking to Carole and she was so sad and depressed I asked her if she had ever read the letter I wrote to my children at Christmastime 2011 ( I actually keep a copy in my drawer with all my book reading ideas and article "There's a Horse in the House" and letters I write to Richard when I am sad.  These are things I want to remind myself of from time to time.)  She said, "No", so I read it to her and she thanked me.  She said I should send it to the Ensign.  "So many need to hear that."

Here is a copy.

Dear Linda and Gary, Maria and Johnny, James and Camber,


Saturday morning a wondrous thing happened to me. I had been feeling so dark, so discouraged, so hopeless and I just couldn't pull myself out of it.  It had gone on for months.  I had been seeking answers from the Lord and they were not coming. Friday night I pleaded again and cried for help.


Saturday morning the answer came. It was like I was getting patient instruction from a loving parent. It was:


"Janet, do you remember when ....and I did this for you... and do you remember this...and this... and He went through all the things I knew but was refusing in my dark mind to remember. All the many times the Lord has answered my prayers, has forgiven me, has carried me when I couldn't handle it all, has actually saved me from my myself and directed me down another path, all the many mini-miracles and tender mercies and all the loving people in my life, all the blessings, life saving experiences and learning experiences, and actual miracles.


The way I had been feeling was that I had had too much steeped on me and it wasn't fair and why didn't the Lord love me when I had tried my best to do what was required of me and why this and why that and my complaints went on and on.   I couldn't see where I was going from here, there was no joy in my life, I had nothing to show for all my work and struggle.  I was a failure and unloved.


And after the Lord instructed me it was like a great weight was lifted from me and He reminded me that everything was going to be all right and I should have peace and love and faith in my mind and heart instead of fear and doubt and discouragement. He reminded me that He had always been there and He would always be there. That we all have different experiences and what is really important and what doesn't matter and I should recognize the difference, I shouldn't be confused and doubt, I knew better. He was there always and all was well, He assured me He knew I was doing my best and I had done well. (I was also made aware of when I had failed to be my best but the pain from those experiences was lifted).


It was like a panorama of all my blessings of which my children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren are my greatest blessing now and I should just love and enjoy them and all the experiences of life that are still available to me. My home and the blessings of it are one. He reminded me of the many people in my life who had taught me, helped me, showed me the way and how blessed I was to have had them in my life. Richard as the father to my children and a faithful, loving, companion was one of my greatest blessings and I should not minimize that. The many experiences I had were for my instruction and not a curse in my life.


It all happened so fast, was I awake or still in sleep? I am not sure. I just know I was feeling joy and peace when it was over and it seemed I had so many things to do and I was excited to get on with my life and I felt such a strong knowledge of the Lord and the atonement and the plan of salvation and I was so grateful to have the gospel in my life and all it had brought to me. And all those bad feelings I had had for certain experiences were gone. I should have written it all down immediately. But what I have now is the feeling of peace and faith in my Savior and a desire to have more gratitude and a greater appreciation for each of you in my life. The fear I had been carrying for the future is gone. 

I am so thankful to have each of you helping me to endure to the end.  Each of you seems to have a different gift to give…  I know that life is good and we have much happiness in the simplest experiences we share. All is well. I will do the best I can and I know the Lord will make up the rest (probably through you). I love you all. I love the Gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives.

Thank you all for being so patient with me.  Merry Christmas 2011.

This morning Carole texted me and said again I should send a copy to the Ensign as many need to read my letter.  I am not so sure about that but I did send it as I did not want her to think I do not respect her opinion.  We will see what they say.  I know they are very picky about what they print.  I actually submitted my article about "An angel at the Airport" in 1999, but they turned that one down, and it was actually a very tender mercy for me...and a very much needed mini miracle in my life.

It was so strange before I talked to Carole I sat down by the bed and was checking to see if my phone needed charging before I went to bed.  As I plugged in the charger I heard a voice talking so I put it to my ear and there was Carole.  She said her phone had rung.  I was not aware of it but we began to talk and that was when I realized how sad she sounded.  I know how hard it is to be alone without your husband after so many years of always having them near.  It never gets easy.

My sister Carole in between my sisters Jeanne and Marilyn.

Carole with her granddaughter.

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