I need to put down on paper how I am feeling because I can't really tell anyone. They would not understand anyway. I wouldn't have. To grow old with not enough money to be secure and independent is to lose dignity, self-worth, and joy in living. You go to sleep every night crying and praying for a miracle. You feel like your life has been long enough, you do not want to go on living with the pain. You don't want to tell anyone how you feel because you used to be a capable person who could cope with life and you are ashamed to tell anyone you are not that same person.
About $1000 a month stands between dignity and despair. Another $1000 a month would make me rich. How to bridge that gap. I should be able to work but up here the pay is so low I would probably have to work full time at a hatefull job. I am 68 years old and starting over!!!! I just can't bear it--so many years of doing something I hated and not having time for the important things in life has just destroyed my will to do it again. I would really rather die. I am ready to go and yet I know it is cowardly not to live a full and useful life to the end of your days gracefully and with a smile.
Today I received "found" money from an old Virginia Colony account at Bank of America. No one could have gotten it out but me and I didn't think I could so it sat there for 4 and 1/2 years with B of A just taking their fee out every month. I am sure it was an answer to my prayer to find it but I am not sure it is really mine after all and so I feel guilty about that. It meant so much to be to be able to sit down and pay my bills and taxes but it is still not enough. I need another $1268 just to get down to paying for the basics of living. John said I could not afford a house. I cannot, but I cannot afford to live anyplace else either except with someone and at least I am building up equity here. I bought this house for $118,000 and the realtors say there is nothing in Lake Almanor for under $150,000 anymore. It has become in demand. My mortgage is only $88000, but the payment is too high. But I feel very humble that $2600 made such a difference in my life. It is not a large amount and I would not have appreciated it near so much when I was working and making money.