Financial Situation Stress

  I need to put down on paper how I am feeling because I can't really tell anyone.  They would not understand anyway.  I wouldn't have.  To grow old with not enough money to be secure and independent is to lose dignity, self-worth, and joy in living.  You go to sleep every night crying and praying for a miracle.  You feel like your life has been long enough, you do not want to go on living with the pain.  You don't want to tell anyone how you feel because you used to be a capable person who could cope with life and you are ashamed to tell anyone you are not that same person.

About $1000 a month stands between dignity and despair.  Another $1000 a month would make me rich.  How to bridge that gap.  I should be able to work but up here the pay is so low I would probably have to work full time at a hatefull job.  I am 68 years old and starting over!!!!  I just can't bear it--so many years of doing something I hated and not having time for the important things in life has just destroyed my will to do it again.  I would really rather die.  I am ready to go and yet I know it is cowardly not to live a full and useful life to the end of your days gracefully and with a smile.

Today I received "found" money from an old Virginia Colony account at Bank of America.  No one could have gotten it out but me and I didn't think I could so it sat there for 4 and 1/2 years with B of A just taking their fee out every month.  I am sure it was an answer to my prayer to find it but I am not sure it is really mine after all and so I feel guilty about that.  It meant so much to be to be able to sit down and pay my bills and taxes but it is still not enough.  I need another $1268 just to get down to paying for the basics of living.  John said I could not afford a house.  I cannot, but I cannot afford to live anyplace else either except with someone and at least I am building up equity here.  I bought this house for $118,000 and the realtors say there is nothing in Lake Almanor for under $150,000 anymore.  It has become in demand.  My mortgage is only $88000, but the payment is too high.  But I feel very humble that $2600 made such a difference in my life.  It is not a large amount and I would not have appreciated it near so much when I was working and making  money.

Events in 2000 at Lake Almanor

 

Lagonita Lodge 2000

 

Family Reunion in Lake Almanor, 2000

Sisters Linda and Maria with Lea

Grandma needs a tan

Melissa and Lea

Meagan and Mitch

 

The Pulsipher Clan

What is she teaching Satah?

Sarah

Maria

Christmas Card at Lake Almanor 1999

Christmas Card 1999

I've left the city, the traffic rush, the malls and the maddening crowds,

I've gone north to the woods, the snow, and the lakes where the deer and the squirrels play.

You won't find me at the movie shows, or checking into the office at eight,

It's more like the Internet, quilting, and hauling wood that fills my night and day.

It's family history, memory books, needlework and even time to read,

No lawns to mow (just needles to rake) and traded in sea winds for falling snow.

A big day at the ward on Sunday is any number over twenty,

But the Church is just down the road 10 miles or so--no traffic lights to slow.

The lake is huge with lots of fish, few boats and a fun place to play,

The summer is warm but never too hot and the sun is clear and bright.

300 days the sun shines throughout the summer, winter and fall,

And a million stars and shiny moon are a gift to view each night.

Now don't get me wrong, this isn't for all, you must love peace and quiet,

No chirping crickets, or sirens noise, no cars swooshing or airplanes roar.

You must love aloneness, small towns and give up the malls and movies,

Be ready for deer to gaze at you, shovel snow and chop a tree or more.

At least for me, it is a dream come true, and the peace that I had sought,

I'm renewing myself, and Bandido and I are working through our grief.

So if you'd like a little of paradise before you leave this worldly earth,

Just drop in at 709 E Mountain Ridge for a long stay or even make it brief.

Some wondered what happened to me, so I am sending this card early,
So here's my address--look me up on the map--due north of Lake Tahoe, 
West of Reno, east of Frisco and north of Sacramento, too.
You'll see a lake with a peninsula and that is where to go...

Best wishes from Janet Hardy and Bandido

P O Box 3235, Lake Almanor, Ca 96137

Earlier in the Year--Hardy News