Sunday, December 13, 2015

Christmas Blues

It is that time of year again when you feel most alone, when you are alone, or you feel that nobody loves you.  It has been 19 years since that first Christmas when I was alone after Richard died.  Hard to believe.  I prayed last night that I would feel joy instead of gloom and think correctly instead of feeling sorry for myself.  It is not true that nobody loves me, but it seems that way.

Luckily a few more ladies took the time to chat with me at church today.  That is always good and then just a few minutes ago I found a lot of comments that had been written on my blog but I guess I don't have them show on my blog so I did not realize they were there but they are all saved, amazing.  I don't know why I can't figure it out.  Anyway it was pure joy to go back and read some of the things that have been said to me, very kind and loving things.  That brings me joy, also Linda liked getting her cookies.  I am always unsure about sending goodies to the Pulsiphers, not sure they will eat them...glad she was happy to eat them.

I enjoyed going on Carole's Facebook and seeing the movies Steve has been putting on.  There were some from 1959 of Richard and I when we were living in our first apartment.  We looked good and happy, he looked handsome and I looked pretty, couldn't have been married more than a couple of months I think.

I am so glad I am not alone this winter.  I enjoy being at Marilyn's.  She talks a lot more to her children than I do.  I don't know why that is, my fault or???  She is a talker.  She thinks I am a talker.

I love looking at the pictures of all the grandchildren and great grandchildren.  It would be nice if I could see them more but I don't know how that could be.

It is cold, I should have gotten to bed when it was still warm...better put on my long thermals tonight.
Sadie likes to wear her coat to bed and then have me tuck the afghan all around her, too.  She loves it that Marilyn plays with her so much with throwing the ball and taking her walking, I think Marilyn enjoys her, too, but does not want to get a dog of her own.

When you are old and alone you feel expendable, invisible, unnecessary, it is a sad way to feel, old age is no fun, today I had such a neck ache and I know it is from bending over and doing the puzzle, but I like to do the puzzle, what to do, what to do.

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