A Broken Heart

Tonight I was remembering the day I left my Rancho Bernardo home, after turning over the keys to the realtor. Everything was ready for the new buyer. I had been a widow for about two months. I looked a wreck, I was a wreck. Brian, my realtor and friend, looked at me and said, "Janet, I'm worried about you." I said, "Brian, I have a broken heart."

Oh, I had had a broken heart before. I remember so well as a freshman in college walking with a couple roommates and we were talking about boys and love and all that stuff. And I said, "I hope I can have a broken heart someday." That is probably one of the more stupid things I have said in my life. Several years later, I did have that broken heart. The sleepless nights, the depression, the pit in your stomach that never goes away, the extreme sadness, the loneliness. I don't remember any one thing that I did to get over that broken heart but moving to California and starting a new life, with new friends and exciting new places probably helped a lot.

A few years later, another heartbreak. I went away to summer school this time for classes I hadn't had time for in college. New friends, new faces, new experiences. Eventually I healed and moved on. But I found that a little of those heart breaks always remain with you to pop up and cloud thoughts and give a jab of pain from time to time.

But never had I had heart break like this--the death of my husband, the loss of our "retirement home", a complete change to life as I had known it for the last 37 years. I think I had lots of help, but I couldn't tell you exactly what I did to recover from that heart break, if, indeed, I have recovered, as I don't think you ever do completely. I prayed a lot and the Lord was with me, directing me, giving me strength. And then a few years later, there was the loss of my son, and more heartbreak.

I remember one time my friend Marta heard me fretting about something and she said, "Janet, is there anything you can do about it?" And I had to say that no, there was not. She said, "Then stop worrying about it." Sounds simple, doesn't it?

Today I see the internet has all kinds of help for getting over a broken heart. I checked out a few and they are interesting. One in particular had stories written by people suffering from broken hearts and it was sad to read them and know there wasn't anything anyone can really do for them. 

 Another site had 5 steps, one of which was specific music to listen to--none of which I was familiar with, but music played a big part in my recovery and why I have two trunks of videos and DVDs and over 200 cds.

One thing I know for sure, broken hearts are inevitable in our life and we all need whatever help we can get as we suffer through them and move on to new experiences, new friends and possibly more heartbreak-----Another kind of painful heartache is to watch a loved one suffer and know the pain they are in and not be able to do anything about it.

The Toilette

I know something as basic as a new toilet is no big deal, right? Wrong, when you have been living with a TEMPERMENTAL one for eight years, it is a really big deal! It works so great, yea!!! Anyone need a plunger? Thanks again, Mark for being the "local plumber" and installing it and thanks again, Linda and Gary for sending me home from San Diego with such a great one that Kirk, the Plumber, picked out. It is a a TOTO if anyone is interested. Kirk says they are the best!

Lake Tahoe, contd.

Marjorie on the lake shore.

We were trying to catch the different colors of Lake Tahoe. They go from an aqua, to a deep turquoise to a deep blue but this picture did not get the right colors. Anyway the lake and sky are beautiful no matter what or when at Lake Tahoe.

The water at Lake Tahoe is over 99% pure. It is so clear it is unbelievable. We did not go in it as it is too late in the year but it is very fun to swim in and you can walk a long way out, but it is extremely deep in the middle, 1645 feet with an average of 989 feet throughout. Lake Tahoe is one of the "must see" destinations and did you know it has enough water to cover the entire state of California to a depth of 14 inches--122 million acres of water. We also took the Dixie II dinner cruise for $10 each ( a deal from the timeshare people). The filet mignon dinner was unexpectedly fabulous!

This is one of the stately redwood trees that are found around the lake--not as big as on the coast but they have really lovely markings and color. This picture did not do the tree justice.

The Canadian Geese are very much at home all around the lake, as we found out when we came up in the summer of 95. You have to watch where you step!

Emerald Bay of Lake Tahoe

We are starting our trek one mile down (and up, yikes) to see the Vilkhommen Castle built in 1928 by a wealthy lady who bought the 238 acres for $250,000 and spent $125,000 building the home. The island out there has her Tea House on the top left corner. It was sold in the 60's back to the state for $250,000.

The main part of the "castle" as seen from the lake side is made of rock and is two story. The top right bedroom belonged to the owner but she usually slept in the porch above that with a full view of Emerald Bay. Her money came from a wealthy husband who had passed away. The home was built and the furniture also to replicate Scandinavian castles.

The servants quarters and the garages and workhouses had sod on the roofs and wild flowers grew there during the summer. The State does not go to that much trouble. The home is in a U shape so has a huge courtyard with a iron gate at one end. The mountain in the background is very majestic also. She had 15 servants there in the summer when she was there and the lady who works for the State and showed us the property used to come there as a teenager from Santa Barbara. She has shown the property for 38 years.

This is the entrance from the courtyard into the living/dining area of the home. All the bedrooms except for servants are on the second floor with gorgeous views of the lake.

More Grandchildren and Kate, GGD

Marjorie and I took a trip to Lake Tahoe on Friday the 14th and drove south on 89 all the way from Lake Almanor. What a breath taking drive! We stopped first in Truckee and caught grandson Matt as he was finishing one job, cutting trees for 9 hours, and was going to a second job at North Star Ski Resort, tending to Lodge clients. Matt is the one who did so much on my Mourning Gardens--He is a great worker! And very handsome. He and Kristi both look like movie stars here...

We caught Kristi and great grand daughter Kate in Incline Village in north Lake Tahoe, where they are living in a gorgeous home of her in-laws. What a beautiful ski/golf lodge! They will be moving to Reno when their new home is finished! Kate looks like a doll but couldn't make her smile. Kristi does look like a movie star. What wonderful grandchildren I have, (as I have said before.)

Personality Test

My Bloginality is ISTJ!!! Maria threw out the gauntlet and so I took the test--which you can also if you click on the dark blue Bloginality. If you want to know who the test says I am, click on the ISTJ---Interesting.

Musical Artists

I know there are so many musicians I am not familiar with, but working for SBA and rubbing elbows with a younger generation I really widened my favorites while traveling. In Maryland, I added many Elton John songs to my list. In Texas it was Al Green and John Lennon. In Guam, it was Don Henley. My daughter Maria introduced me to Rod Stewart. I found Michael Buble' and Dierks Bentley on my own. My latest find is Chris Botti. It is his trumpet music you hear on my blog. Is he good or what--not since Harry James has there been such a master of the trumpet--that I know of, anyway. Enjoy--and who else should I be listening to???

Favorite Clothes

This is a little indulgent, but then blogging is indulgent. I wanted to remember my favorite clothes through the years--and many I can remember only in my mind--no pictures that is. For instance what I was wearing when I had the first important kiss at 16--a grey A line skirt with a tight waistband and a tucked in peasant blouse and red espadrille shoes. I can see it like it was yesterday.

I was thinking that all my favorite clothes had been red but maybe not--the only two I remember about in grade school was this red plaid, wool dress and my red plaid skirt with straps. I liked this dress very much but wished I had silky long stockings instead of those awful brown cotten ones...ugh. We had to change our dresses right after school as we wore them many times before they were washed...

These dresses were probably all Gay Gibson brand. They fit me so well and cost about $19.95 a piece and we carried them at my Dad's clothing store. The white pique was my high school graduation dress. I really thought it was perfect. The brown velvet was a big favorite along with a two piece purple corduroy. There was also a brown corduroy two piece I liked really well. So much for having red clothes as my favorites.

And this dress-- I loved the neckline and the way it fit. It was a rich light two shaded woven material they don't make dresses out of today, at least in my price range-- too expensive now--there was even cording around the neck and sleeves.

We always wore dresses and skirts and sweaters to class in high school and college. I had only one angora sweater with socks to match--that was a status symbol almost. But I did have several jantzen sweaters that had pictures and words knitted in them--one specifically I liked had music notes all through it and yes, it was red. Sweater and skirts were such a fun thing to wear with sox to match, if possible with those polished saddle shoes. But my favorite shoe was the mocassin. Dad did not like us to wear them as they had no support in them. I had a favorite leather fringe jacket and a lookalike Navy Pea Coat--loved them both.

This formal dress is hard to see but it was a fuschia and full skirted soft net with tight bodice--I am the one looking at Ivan peeking around my shoulder--in the middle. I liked this dress for the color, and fit, plus it was soft and flowing...Another dress that was a real favorite when I was dating Ivan was a red knit suit--ooo, it was neat... can see it well.

This squaw dress was made by my roommate Marta's mother. I loved it. She made one for all of us!!--so fun to swing in--we didn't square dance in college though--only high school...but it was fun to wear.

This coat was so soft with sleeves that snugged in a little at the wrist and this lovely fur collar. Unfortunately I wore the front out by carrying books all the time. Loved that coat--

I also wore navy blue quite often and this was a great dress that fit snugly around the waist and had a soft flowing skirt--so 50s... made out of blue crepe, hardly wrinkled at all... always ready for church or...

I also had a grey that was fitted and A line with a high collar--it was also a favorite of mine but have no picture. I wore grey and blue more than I remembered...

This was my kind of outfit (John, from church with me)--a wool skirt I made to match a favorite sweater. This one was grey, again--I had thought all my favorite clothes were red, but not so... we wore full slips under these skirts to make them stand out a little. Had lots of cotten skirts like this that I made...

Ah, just remembered a red dress was what I was wearing when someone brought Bill to a church dance and he asked me out again--(we had a disastrous first date)--it was a silky soft taffeta type material that was fitted to the hips and then flaired out. I made that, too. I wonder, did it really look that good (I thought that was why he asked me out). But it might have been because I was feeling good about myself and so I was outgoing and friendly instead of skulking in the shadows. Oh, well, it was red and I loved that dress. Am I superficial or what...

Just remembered another favorite dress I was wearing when I met Richard--funny how we remember what we were wearing at important moments of our life--at least I do. It was a silk floral with wrap around waist bands--very classy--and I made it, also. I can't believe I was such a seamstress in those days. It was a Vogue pattern, I remember. Anyway, my friend Norma had set us both up for a blind date and neither of us was interested--until we saw each other. Except for the first week when I had some dates with former friends, we were together and married six weeks later. Must have looked good in that dress, ha. It wasn't red, either.

Favorite Clothes After Marriage

The clothes I loved from my married life were mostly when I was younger and slimmer. One of my favorite was a maternity dress--red pleated from the bodice with a white collar and bow at the neck--it always looked so dressy. Marilyn had sent it to share. My other favorite maternity was the black velvet jumper top and velvet skirt or pants with a pretty white blouse.

I have more than one dress from Tiajuana and this was one I loved to wear--yellow with beautiful embroidery. Richard liked to bargain with the sellers and use his Spanish. The other one I loved so much was squared necked with a three quarter length sleeve with lace insets and border--it was fuchsia and very nice ribbed cotten--why didn't I save those dresses??

This coat reminded me of the one I loved so much in college, except it was suede, but had that same soft fur collar. I remember Richard gave it to me for Christmas one year. I had learned by then that he loved to be asked for things, rather than told, and I called him and said how much I wanted it and, of course, he told me to buy it for my present.

This was probably my all time favorite dress. It was from India and the dress flowed from the bodice and had soft full sleeves--there was a border on the bottom of the dress--a very soft material and red. I knew I liked red. I should have kept it even if I couldn't fit into it anymore.

I loved orange all most as much as I loved red and this knit suit was lovely. Reminded me of that red knit suit I had in college that I wore so much.

I liked this yellow dress as it was straight down to the hip and then a pleated skirt, I felt very feminine wearing it, and it was very comfortable.

I have no favorite clothes now except for my jeans and sweat shirts--is that sad or what...Oh well, it was fun remembering. Maybe I will think of some more...

Carla

Today my childhood friend Carla called--(Carla is her stage name, she was on the Perry Como show, played the lead in "Fantasticks", was Miss Montana, Homecoming Queen in High School, Child Prodigy, pianist, violinist, singer, A student)--In other words she did it all and I was a best friend.

Here, she is the smiling one in the center, I think it was a birthday party for her--I am the gloomy one on the right (I don't know what that was about). Anyway we had a wonderful childhood. There was a canyon by her house with lots of tall growth. We would play "Nyoka of the Jungle." She had a terrific imagination and I loved to follow her lead. We also would put on our rubber boots and crossed from the creek to an island on the river and searched for treasure (agates). We called it Poco Moco Loco Island as I recall. One day her brother followed us and that was the end of that. We were evidently walking through raw sewage. We would hike out to the badlands and Sugarloaf (a magical clay mound perfect for climbing up to and sitting in and eating lunch). Just don't be there when it rains--slippery, slippery. In high school we were the first Freshman to get our big D--attained through all kinds of athletic feats like biking 75 miles, 200 sit ups, 10 push ups, etc. We would have my brother drive us out of town so we knew how many miles it was and then bike back. With her imagination she would also make up stories to submit to magazines like "Confessions" or "True Love" or something and enthrall us with her articles.

In high school, our boyfriends were best buds so we double dated. One of the most funny to me was chasing a pig through town. I drove while the boys chased and I followed them down alleys and such. We had a lot of fun, needless to say. As I have said before, we had a magical childhood and teenage years. Oh yes, Carla was also a star in all the high school plays. As I say, she could do it all. I was a terrific audience but what else, I am not sure, a better driver I think. She would scare me to death as she would turn and talk to us in the back seat as she drove. As children, we even donned our best and attended the Community Concerts together. I used to have the autographs of famous violinists and pianists I had never heard of.

After her Broadway and TV years she was a music teacher at a private school and then a stockbroker on Wall Street and I was a school teacher, then a homemaker and then a mortgage broker in San Diego. She had her doctorate and did very well in the financial business. A regular whiz kid in anything she tried.

Now we are both old and she is in the city of New York or vacationing in Hilton Head and I live the simple life in the mountains. Amazing how two such different individuals can be best friends. But that is how life should be, isn't it?

Questions and Answers

Richard--A Man with Answers

My son tells me I ask a lot of questions, my gynecologist said I asked more questions than any patient he had ever had, the first summer working at SBA one of the men told me not to ask any questions as it made the meetings too long. So am I just more curious, more dumb, or more forgetful--why do I ask so many questions? Probably all of the above, but I do wonder about a lot of things. When my husband came home from a meeting, I would ask him questions about things he didn't even think about.

However, if I asked him a question about something important he always had an answer--usually a long answer--and he wanted me to sit still until he had finished the whole answer. I got so I would say, "Just give me the short version." Richard had an amazing memory for detail. I could read so much faster than he could, but I would immediately forget what I read--he never did. In fact, because he knew so much about so many things, it made me upset if he didn't have an answer.

Of course, then there was the "brokering to banks" side of our mortgage business that he never learned. He couldn't answer my questions, but I knew that most men like to answer questions. So if I met someone who appeared knowledgable, I would pester them with questions and they would love to tell me all they knew. That was how I learned the brokering business in the days before there were classes and books and computers with all the answers.

Music Added!!!

Maria is so smart--she taught me how to blog and now she taught me how to add music. I love blogging, even if no one else reads it. It is such an easy way to save your memories and view them at any time without pasting, cutting, typing even though I have a lot of memory books also. Meagan has now added videos but since I don't have any, I can't try that, but it really is a marvelous way to preserve thoughts and memories. As Maria said, even if a fire came and destroyed your books, you still have this all on the internet!!! It's a great life!

The Puzzle

I have a huge cedar tree to the left of my patio and something (I thought it was squirrels, but it may be those strange birds that climb down the tree to the water dish) anyway something is splitting those little pods (this one branch got away from them). Anyway all day these split pods come down from the tree and I have swept up as much as two quarts a day! It is a huge mess and I do not remember it happening before (the last eight years). In the fall I have seen the pods all dried up and split open like little heliocopters and fluttering down but never have I seen these green pods split open and the center seed removed. I have used my binoculars and I can never see a thing up there. If it was squirrels, I would think I would see them running up and own and jumping. Heavens, they are all over my yard and easy to see as they think they are hiding from me running around. But who is up there? These birds come walking down the tree, I am not kidding, walking down the tree, could it be them... It is a puzzle and a mess...PS-- Mark came this afternoon and he could see better than I and it is a little squirrel, way up high (more than one? I don't know?)

Who Knew?

This month I discovered something wonderful. Impatiens, my favorite flower in La Jolla, grows in my garden in the mountains-- with the bad soil and dry conditions! True, they do not get as big or lush as in La Jolla but they are color and the best part? Neither the deer or the squirrels eat them!! And don't let anyone tell you that squirrels don't eat the plants. I have watched them, nibble them, just like a rabbit and so I am sure sometimes I have maligned the deer when it has been the squirrels. Anyway next year impations will be a big part of my gardening. Yea...

The Jack Knife

My Dad always carried a jack knife in his pocket. All men did that I knew. It was ready for any occasion--how many times I saw him wisk his jackknife out to cut a string, a box or whatever. I am sure he used it hunting and fishing as well. When I finished my doll house this winter I decided I needed a jack knife so I could carve the head boards of my Seven Dwarf beds. I have done ONE. Oh well, it is a good project for when it snows. But today I found I can slit the soil conditioner bag open in one stroke. How I have struggled with those plastic bags over the years. Why didn't anyone tell me? From now on I will carry a jacknife in my pocket ready for any occasion...

Grandchildren are a Great Gift!

Jacob and I went to the Reuben J. Fleet Center Saturday afternoon before I left for Manhattan Beach. We had a delightful day except for losing my cell phone . (Thank heaven, Jacob could give a better description of it than I could!) Besides doing all the discovery items we had time for we saw the IMAX "Coral Reefs". It was not only interesting but very educational. Jacob is a delight to take places, so polite and pleasant, always says thank you and is an enjoyable conversationalist.

The week before, I attended the La Mesa Rotary Luncheon where Amy was honored. She was given a $500 check for her education--she left for BYU on the 28th. Besides being a great student with a 3.9 average and ASB president, the thing that always amazes me about Amy is her poise and confidence. She speaks so well with clarity and maturity. She also went skydiving last week!! Amy will do well wherever she goes, great determination and a positive attitude.

On the way back up north I stopped in Sacramento and saw the nice apartment that Michael is living in. I would say it was a step up from the first apartment that Richard and I lived in at the beginning of our married life. (Probably costs more than 10 times as much as well.) I always enjoy listening to Michael and his dream of going to New Zealand and see his latest hair style. It looked very good and he was sporting a little more beard than he has here (I forgot to take a picture). Michael is looking for that perfect job that will take him out of here and to New Zealand. I think he will find it! From the time I first walked Michael with his curly locks around Big Bear when he was a tot I have always enjoyed his soft side, contemplative thought, and quiet voice.

Yes, grandchildren are a great gift and each comes in a different wrapping with great surprises inside.

Laurie's Family

My niece Sherry sent some pictures from Laurie's Funeral. Left to right is Trevor's wife Joanna and baby, my sister Jeanne, her daughter Carole, Marilyn's son Bobby and wife Dana, Jeanne's daughter-in-law Norma, Marilyn's son Randy, Marilyn's daughter Debbie, my brother Dick's daughter Cherie, Marilyn's daughter Sherry, Jeanne's son Steven and his wife Sheila. Laurie's daughter Hope is on the left with her boyfriend Ben and Debbie's daughter Megan and son Matt are on the right. Sherry with her daughter's Carole and Caitlin ... and all four of Sherry's children Steven, Zach, Caitlin and Carole. Zach and Sherry lived with us for awhile in the 80's and Zach used to love his baseball bat and Sherry would patiently throw the ball to him over and over. They loved to go to the Padres games with my assistant Connie. Zach is now going to college and working.

It's a Beautiful Thing! Service...

Yes, it is a beautiful thing to have a full wood shed so beautifully stacked. While I was gone, my home teacher Ron had split wood from his own lot and brought it over to my house--wheelbarreled it up a slight incline and stacked my wood! Thank heaven Don, from the ward, also helped him!!! I appreciate these gentlemen so much who take care of us widows in the ward. It is truly the gospel of Jesus Christ in action. Winter, come on, I am ready!! To go above and beyond they even watered my trees (I have a great watering system for everything but my little trees and bushes) And those impatiens and petunias I set in my front to catch the water--not a one was eaten because they sprayed with Liquid Fence!! Thank you, thank you, so much. In fact the only thing the deer destroyed this time was one small bush that the cage had not been anchored down on and two new lilac bushes that were not caged. At least I have my answer, they do like lilacs and I do have to cage them! Oh, well, next spring... I was delighted to come home to more light! Mark had brought up the tile he is going to do my bathrooms with and in the meantime replaced my burned out lights. Thank you, Mark. I also felt safer driving back to Lake Almanor by myself. Gary replaced the battery in my car while I was in El Cajon. Thank you, Gary. It seems it takes a lot of people to keep me up and running and I appreciate them all.

Some Friends in My Life, 2007

Friends are such an important part of our lives.  This trip I saw my friend Nadine, who has been cutting my hair since the 60's. After my husband died we spent many an early morning biking around Mission Bay.   We each bought a beach bike and I loved that until I moved to the mountains.  And I always look forward to getting a good "Nadine-doo" haircut whenever I return to San Diego.

Connie--who was my Assistant at Choice Mortgage for 12 years! She was a High School Secretary and would come in late afternoon and work till late.  She was so good,  I could not have made it without her. She was also very wise and a good confidant during those turbulent years. We would often makeup scenarios about our loan clients to giggle over.  You can tell alot about people by the way they spend their money and their assets--it would keep us from getting bored or too tired from the work.

This is the wall of my friend Sharon's home. She is very creative and clever and has such an interesting home. These are doilies her grandmother made and she has made them a treasure forever. I also met Sharon in the 60's. Even though I was older, we had children about the same ages and we did the beach, the bay, Disneyland, museums, Pioneer Day, etc.--all kinds of things together. One Pioneer Day we left my Maria with her Donna at Cabrillo Park and didn't notice until we were almost in Pacific Beach! She had extra children that day so we had a van full. This was in the days before seat belts...Motherhood is so much easier and more fun with a good friend. This trip she showed me how to finish off a sweater I had started for my son James 34 years ago. I am going to give it to his Jimmy, age 6--even though the yarn is a little faded. Good beach sweater... 

Another friend I see often now is Myrna. She lets me stay in Manhattan Beach on my way coming and going from Lake Almanor. We have been friends since 2nd grade, so we have all our Montana friends to talk about.  She is an interesting talker and remembers so much I have forgotten... Girl friends keep us sane...In the picture below from Camp with the Methodist Church Group in Junior High she is in the middle.  Lorraine is on the left and Eddie, a school mate is on my left.  myrna and I lost track of each other over the years but since we are both widows now and she lives where I can stop by and see her on my trips back and forth from San Diego we have renewed a great friendship.  When I get lonely at night, she is a great one to call and chat with.   I must find an updated picture!