John Hardy Memorial Hike 2015

My Life So Far

Friday, August 08, 2014

What to Do, What to Do?

As my extended family gets larger, I get lonelier.  Something wrong with that premise but that is the way it is.  The fact I live 12 hours away from most of them could have something to do with it.  The fact I have not chosen to join clubs or participate in golf and games could also make a difference.

The obvious fact is I am a widow and it is not easy to live alone and not easy to live with others either. The other obvious fact is as you get older, you do not want to travel as much nor participate in outings at night or go to a lot of things you once did.  "Been there, done that...blah, blah, blah." Myrna always said "Everything was fine when I was working, when I stopped, my health went bad, and I got lonelier."  Yes, work was a good thing to always keep you busy and then you really enjoyed your few moments alone for TV or music or a good book.  There was never enough time to catch up with everyone.


But...when you are alone 24/7 it is hard.  I only now really can empathize with my Mom and my mother-in-law and their many years alone.  At one time your life is so full and busy you cannot find time to do everything that is needed.  Now you have the time, but not always the energy.  You appreciate phone calls more, but phone calls are less than they once were, you are not involved in every one's life so you do not need to be consulted or thought about as much.  And they are all very busy in their lives with not enough time.  I once was busy with emails.  Seems hardly anyone emails anymore.  It is selfies on the Instagram that has taken the place of email or texting, which I do not do.


What to do, what to do.  There is more yard work, all the time, but I can only do a little bit and then I have to rest.  TV gets monotonous.  You can only sit at the computer for so long before that is a strain. I am trying to finish scanning all my pix and finish my books but you can only work at that so long in a day or a week before it is too fatiguing. And you can't always go to sleep so the nights are tossing and turning, listening to music, then to a book, then to watch a show, then to try to sleep again, finally the listening to a book will finally put you out but then it is almost time to put Sadie out or take a walk in the early morning and then you have to come back and catch up on the sleep you needed but did not get. What a vicious circle.


What to do, what to do...how to be relevant but not too tired, how to join in but not get too busy.  It is another one of those times in my life when there are no answers...at least I have none that seem to be right or doable and so you just muddle along from day to day, looking for a little joy here or there.  It is a strange time in my life.  Everything is harder than it once was, too.  Sometimes you ache, sometimes you don't, who knows why the rhyme or reason for that.  Sometimes you have a burst of energy, sometimes you have none.


I do need to find something to laugh at each day though, that is really important for my health, and it is so hard to find...must get on the joke pages I guess.  Anyone have a funny story or joke to tell?  I need it now.


Here's my laugh for today.  When I ordered my groceries at Walmart (nonperishable  only) we wondered how they were being delivered.  Guess what--they are coming Fed Ex cheaper than I can buy them at the store!!!  Don't ask me how, I don't know.  But it surely makes me giggle.

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